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EDWARDS UPDATES: EDWARDS REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS!
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in EDWARDS' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Friday, May 12th, 2006
11:43 am
NEWS FLASH
MORE LIKE EDWARDS DOESN'T UPDATE, GET IT?

EDWARDS HAS BEEN REALLY BUSY WORKING ON A SUPER SURPRISE FOR ALL YOU FANS OUT THERE. DON'T WORRY, EDWARDS' UPDATES WILL BE BACK IN FULL FORCE.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEWS YOU CAN USE.
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
6:39 pm
EDWARDS HERE WITH AN IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE. THE ISSUE THAT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT TODAY IS ONE OF "LARGE" IMPORTANCE. THE ISSUE IS FAT PEOPLE. COMMUNISM. FAT PEOPLE ARE LIKE NATURE'S COMMUNISTS, BECAUSE COMMUNISM PANDERS TO THE SELFISH AND UNPATRIOTIC AGENDA OF OBESE PEOPLE. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REGULAR COMMUNISTS AND FATS IS THAT THEY ARE MORE SEXUALLY DEVIANT, AS WELL AS FAT. KICK FAT PEOPLE OUT OF AMERICA. GOOD RIDDANCE.



FAT PEOPLE ARE LIKE GUM ON THE SHOES OF AMERICA. FAT PEOPLE CLOG UP EDWARDS' BUSWAYS AND AIRLINES LIKE THE CHOLESTEROL IN JOHN CANDY'S BLOODSTREAM. FAT PEOPLE ARE LIKE THE TOILET PAPER ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE: SICK, COVERED IN SHIT, REPUTATION RUINING AND A REAL HASSLE TO GET RID OF.

WHAT THE COMMUNIST PRESS DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW IS THAT FAT PEOPLE REALLY AREN'T BEATUFUL. NEITHER ARE BALD PEOPLE FOR THAT MATTER, AND THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE THE GLORIOUS BALD EAGLE. THE BALD EAGLE IS KEEPING AMERICA'S BANNER FLYING NEAR AND FAR ACROSS THIS MAGESTIC COUNTRY SIDE; FAT PEOPLE ARE ONLY WEIGHING THIS EAGLE DOWN AND NOT LETTING HIM FLY.

THE OBESE SLOBS IN AMERICA ARE WEIGHING EDWARDS DOWN. THE TIME IS NOW. THE WHEEL OF TIME STOPS FOR NOBODY. FAT PEOPLE WILL NOT STAND IN THE WAY, EDWARDS WILL PLOW THROUGH THEM LIKE A CHAINSAW THROUGH MASHED POTATOES.



BE WARNED, AMERICANS. THESE FAT SLOBS COULD STRIKE AT ANY TIME, THREATENING THE LIVES OF YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR PETS, YOUR LAWN, AND EVEN YOUR CUPBOARD.
Saturday, April 8th, 2006
4:29 am
EDWARDS JUST DOESN'T APPROVE
EDWARDS IS JUST TIRED OF ALL THE BULLSHIT. IF YOU WANT TO GO OUT AND TALK TO GAMBLERS AND MASTURBATORS, THAT'S FINE. BUT EDWARDS HAS THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS. EDWARDS HAS THE UPDATES FOR YOU WITH THE NEWS YOU CAN USE. THE ISSUE TODAY IS GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOODS. THERE ARE MANY CONSPIRACIES REGARDING GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOODS (OR "GENETICALLY MODIFIED F'S", AS SOME EXPERTS CALL THEM) AND MANY OF THESE CONSPIRACIES ARE COMMUNIST-RELATED. THE ISSUE TODAY IS NOW COMMUNISM. NOW IS THE TIME TO PUT AN END TO ALL THE LIES AND COMMUNIST SUBVERSION IN THE MEDIA. THE JEW-RUN MEDIA PANDERS TO THE COMMUNIST MACHINE DAILY, WITH SHOWS SUCH AS QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, OR AS IT SHOULD BE CALLED, FAGGOTVISION, OR MORE SIMPLY, FAGGOGGLES. DON'T BE FOOLED BY THESE LOWLIFES. THEY CAN STRIKE AT ANY TIME, THREATENING THE LIVES OF YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR PETS, EVEN YOUR LAWN.
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
12:01 am
AND IT WOULD COME TO PASS THAT ON THE SEVENTH DAY HE WOULD RISE FROM HIS GRAVE
JUST LIKE OUR HOLY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, EDWARDS DIED FOR SEVEN DAYS AND CAME BACK ON THE SEVENTH DAY, AFTER BEING DEAD FOR SEVEN DAYS. THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS IS THAT UNLIKE JESUS, EDWARDS DID NOT ASCEND INTO HEAVEN PROVING CHRISTIANITY TO BE VALID AND TRUE. INSTEAD, EDWARDS STAYED ON EARTH TO PROVE DEMOCRACY TO BE VALID AND TRUE.
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
6:48 am
Friday, February 24th, 2006
3:17 am
SLICKIES: A DANGER TO AMERICA

SLICKIES, OR "GREASIES", AS THEY'RE CALLED IN SOME CIRCLES, ARE A NEW TYPE OF REBELLIOUS YOUTH-RELATED GANG THAT STANDS FOR GREASING THEIR HAIR UP AND "HAVING A GOOD TIME". BUT IS HAVING A GOOD TIME FOR GREASIES SAFE FOR AMERICA'S STREETS? ASK YOURSELF IF YOU WOULD WANT YOUR CHILD SLIDING DOWN A GREASY SLIDE THAT SOME SLEAZEBALL GOT HIS GREASE ALL OVER. IF THE GOOD LORD HAD INTENDED FOR DECENT AMERICAN HUMANS TO HAVE GREASE IN THEIR HAIR, WE'D HAVE BEEN BORN WITH A BUCKET OF CRISCO ON OUR HEADS.

THESE SLICKIES (OR "GREASIES" AS THEY'RE CALLED BY SOME) ARE GREASING UP AMERICA'S SLIDES AND PLAYGROUNDS, MAKING IT TOO SLIPPERY TO BE SAFE FOR OUR CHILDREN. THE ORIGINAL STARTER OF SLICKIES (OR "GREASIES") CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO JOHN TRAVOLTA IN THE SEMINAL, BREAK-OUT MOVIE HIT, GREASE.


SLICK, GREASE-RELATED GANGS INVOLVING SLEAZY GREASE AND SLICKNESS HAVE BEEN A POPULAR CHOICE OF MISGUIDED YOUTHS EVER SINCE. GREASE AND CRISCO RELATED CRIMES HAVE GONE UP BY OVER 900% SINCE THE ORIGINAL RELEASE OF THE FILM. TRAVOLTA'S "SLIPPERY" UNWILLINGNESS TO SPEAK ON THE ISSUE IS HIGHLY EVIDENT AS HE HAS NEVER ONCE RELEASED A PUBLIC STATEMENT ADDRESSING THE ISSUES SURROUNDING GREASIES (OR "SLICKIES"). SOON, CONGRESS WILL BE PASSING A BILL THAT WILL KEEP CHILDREN'S HEADS AWAY FROM CRISCO FOREVER.

THESE SLEAZEBALLS ARE SLEAZING UP AMERICA'S SLIDES, MAKING THEM TOO GREASY FOR MOST FOLKS TO ENJOY THEMSELVES UPON WHILE SLIDING INTO A SANDBOX OR PERHAPS A GRAVEL PIT. OR, IF YOUR PARK SUCKS, ONE OF THOSE SHREDDED RUBBER OR WOOD CHIP PITS. SO MAKE A DIFFERENCE AMERICA, SAY NO TO GREASIES.
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
10:57 am
TAKE THE POLITICAL TEST TODAY


I SCORED "EDWARDS". THIS IS DUE TO THE TRUTH BEING PORTRAYED CORRECTLY IN REFFERENCE TO THE FACTS IN MY ANSWERS.
Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
10:06 am
EDWARDS: THE MOVIE
EXCITING NEWS YOU CAN USE AS TOILET PAPER IF YOU PRINT IT OUT AND WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT, ALTHOUGH EDWARDS DOES NOT RECCOMEND OR ENDORSE THIS.

EDWARDS HAS A HIT NEW BOX OFFICE SMASH COMING OUT TO THEATRES TODAY; EDWARDS: THE MOVIE!


EDWARDS WON'T GIVE AWAY THE STORY, SUFFICE TO SAY THIS ONE IS THE "BIG ONE" THAT WON'T FIT IN NORMAL THEATRES. THIS HIT NEW SCREENPLAY WITH ALL NEW HARD-HITTING ACTION AND DRAMA WILL BE SHOWN EXCLUSIVELY IN EDWARDS BRAND THEATRES:


EDWARDS DOESN'T PLAY GAMES; HE DOESN'T CHEW GUM. EDWARDS HAS NO TIME FOR SUCH MEANINGLESS ACTIVITIES. HOWEVER, WHAT EDWARDS DOES HAVE TIME FOR IS AN EXCITING, ACTION PACKED MOVIE. SPEAKING OF CHEWING GUM, CHEWING GUM IS NOT ALLOWED IN EDWARDS THEATRES. IF EDWARDS FINDS ANY GUM IN HIS THEATRES HE'LL PERSONALLY MAKE EVERYONE INSIDE OF THE THEATRE PICK IT UP WITH THEIR TONGUES. WHOEVER GETS IT FIRST GETS TO GO HOME, WHOEVER DOESN'T IS FED INTO THE PIZZA PIT.

AS YOU MAY NOTICE FROM THE PICTURE, EDWARDS JUST WALKS RIGHT UP TO THE FANS, SITS DOWN WITH THEM, PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND THEM AND SITS THROUGH THE MOVIES THAT EDWARDS STARS IN. EDWARDS DOESN'T CARE. EDWARDS WILL DO WHAT HE WANTS. THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY, EDWARDS KNOWS THAT AND YOU SHOULD TOO, AMERICA. HOWEVER, THESE ARE NOT FREE THEATRES. IT COSTS 9.95 TO GET IN AND 99.95 TO GET OUT. IF YOU CAN'T PAY THE TOLL THEN YOU STRIP ON THE POLE, THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY. NO FAT CHICKS ALLOWED. NO FAT CHICKS, AMERICA. I'LL TAKE ALL THE FAT CHICKS ON THE ONE WAY TRAIN DOWN PAIN STREET.

DON'T FORGET TO BUY EDWARDS BRAND POPCORN AND AN EDWARDS PICKLE. "THEY'RE SO BIG, THEY WON'T FIT IN YOUR MOUTH!". SHAPED AFTER MY WORLD-RENOWNED PENIS. YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SPLIT THEM UP A LITTLE.

REMEMBER FOLKS, FOR WHEN YOU NEED TO GET THE JUICES FLOWING, YOU CAN COME DOWN AND GET A REFRESHING PEPSI COLA FROM OUR SODA JERK, HE'S READY TO JERK ONE INTO A CUP FOR YOU. EDWARDS "READY-TO-DRINK" SODAS ARE HITTING THE NATION LIKE A BASEBALL BAT HITTING A MINORITY! PLEASE NOTE THAT THE ONLY SODA POP PROUDLY SERVED AT EDWARDS THEATRES CONCESSION STANDS IS PEPSI COLA.

THE BURGER JERK IS ALWAYS SERVING FRESH GRILLED ALL AMERICAN 100% PRIME GRADE BEEF BURGERS. USDA CHOICE. GRILLED AND SIMMERED TO AN ALL-AMERICAN PERFECTION.

HERE'S A TIP FOR ALL YOU AMERICANS OUT THERE: BRING YOUR KIDS FOR AN EXTRA 9.95 A PIECE, OR BRING TWO FOR 19.90!
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
2:35 am
EDWARDS HAS JUST ABOUT HAD IT
NO MORE CHUCK NORRIS, AMERICA. THIS UNAMERICAN KARATE CHOPPER OF A COMMIE IS GOING DOWN FOR THE COUNT, BIG TIME.



"NORRIS NO MORE" IS THE NEW CAMPAIGN THAT IS BEING STARTED. IT WAS "A FRESH START FOR AMERICA" BUT RECENT EVENTS IN THE INTER-CYBER MEDIA HAVE CHANGED THE URGENCY OF AMERICA'S NEED FOR THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS REGARDING ALL THIS CHUCK NORRIS NONSENSE AND HOKEY BALONEY.



CHUCK NORRIS IS LIKE DRUGS. WE NEED TO KICK DRUGS OUT OF AMERICA. EDWARDS WILL PERSONALLY BRING THE BOOT OF JUSTICE TO CHUCK NORRIS' ASS AND EDWARDS WILL PERSONALLY KICK HIM STRAIGHT OUT OF AMERICA. EDWARDS DOESN'T DO DRUGS, BECAUSE DRUGS ARE FOR SEXUALLY DEVIANT TERRORISTS. EDWARDS ONCE HEARD AN ANECDOTE REGARDING TWO YOUNG GENTLEMEN THAT IN AN ATTEMPT TO "GET HIGH", "PACKED" THE "WEED" INTO THEIR ASSES AND ATTEMPTED TO SMOKE EACH OTHER'S DICKS. COME ON EDWARDS FANS, WE CAN BEAT THIS GUY. ARE YOU GOING TO LET SOME KARATE SLEAZEBALL WALK YOUR STREETS BADMOUTHING LADY FREEDOM JUST BECAUSE HE THINKS HE CAN DO THE KARATES? NO. THE "CHUCK WAGON" STOPS HERE. SO STAND UP FOR WHAT'S AMERICAN AND VOTE EDWARDS THIS COMING ELECTION, OR YOU'RE DEAD.

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
1:18 am
ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH EDWARDS TO SAVE THE AMERICA?


EDWARDS IS A BAD DUDE. WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE PUNCH, EDWARDS WILL USE SAIS, NUNCHAKU AND KARATE CHOPS TO DEVESTATE NINJITSU. NOTHING CAN STAND IN THE WAY WHEN IT'S TIME TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT. YOU WOULDN'T WANT A PRESIDENT IN OFFICE THAT COULDN'T DEFEND HIMSELF, RIGHT? OR A PRESIDENT THAT DOESN'T LOVE BURGERS AND PEPSI?

SO TRY THE NEW EDWARDS GAME FROM DATA EAST. IF YOU DON'T LOVE IT, YOU'RE AN UNAMERICAN COMMUNIST WHO SHOULD BE INCARCERATED.

SPEAKING OF AMERICANS, CHUCK NORRIS ISN'T ONE. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. THIS JUST IN: EDWARDS IS SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS CHUCK NORRIS BALONEY. EDWARDS AND CHUCK NORRIS GOT IN A FIGHT AT DENNY'S. EDWARDS TRIPPED OVER A TINY MEXICAN BABY AND LANDED ON SOMEBODY'S MOONS OVER MY HAMMY AND KNOCKED DOWN A SUNDAE. CHUCK NORRIS WALKED AWAY AND WIPED HIS SHOULDER OFF AND RODE AWAY ON A MOTORCYCLE. EDWARDS STORMED OUT OF DENNY'S AND THREW HIS JACKET IN THE TRASH AND DROVE AWAY TO HIS TRENDY NEW YORK APARTMENT. EDWARDS WAS NOT ABLE TO BE CONTACTED FOR THIS MATTER.



TO QUOTE CHUCK NORRIS, "BOYS WILL BE BOYS TO SEEK OUT THE REAL FACTS AS FOUND IN MY RECENT BOOK ABOUT COCKS."

CHUCK NORRIS IS CONFUSED ABOUT THESE "FACTS" ON THE INTERNET; THEY'RE NOT FACTS AT ALL. THESE STATEMENTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS ARE A FOUNTAIN OF LIES AND NOTHING MORE.



HERE IS A HAPPY AMERICAN FAMILY SHOWING OFF THEIR EDWARDS SPIRIT. GO USA! ANOTHER SATISFIED EDWARDS CUSTOMER.


EDWARDS STANDS UP FOR THE BLACK COMMUNITY. HERE EDWARDS WAS GIVING A GUN SAFETY SPEECH. EDWARDS IS A STRONG ADVOCATE OF HANDGUNS. EDWARDS WAS OFFERING A FREE GUN SAFETY COURSE TO THE NEGRO COMMUNITY, AND CAN BE SEEN HERE DEMONSTRATING PROPER HOLDING AND FIRING TECHNIQUES:


HOW TO HOLD THE PISTOL "GANGSTA" STYLE.


HOW TO THREATEN A "BITCH" FOR HIS WALLET.

EDWARDS UPDATES: WE BRING YOU THE HARD-HITTING, BALL BREAKING FACTS THAT BREAK YOUR BALLS AND HIT YOU HARD, IN THE BALLS.
Monday, January 30th, 2006
5:24 am
YIFF YIFF
EDWARDS HERE WITH AN IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE. AS A FUTURE PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE, IT IS IMPERATIVE TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT EDWARDS IS A FURRY. EDWARDS HAS HAS SEVERAL "FURSONALITIES", ONE IS A CAT AND ONE IS A FOX.


YIFF YIFF! I STAND UP FOR POLITICS AND BELIEFS!


THIS IS THE TRUE FACE OF DEMOCRACY.

THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FURRIES IS THAT THEY'RE REAL AMERICANS WHO ENJOY BURGERS AND PEPSI JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU OTHER FOLKS OUT THERE, THEY JUST ENJOY ANTHROPOMORPHIC ANIMAL SEX TOO. BESIDES, EVERYONE IS FURRY FOR KRYSTAL, THIS IS A FACT. SEX WITH ANIMALS IS A LARGE PART OF AMERICAN CULTURE AS WELL, DUE TO THE FACT THAT MANY ICE THEATRE SHOWS FEATURE HORSES ON ICE SKATES HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN WHILE THE "BEEF SONG" PLAYS. THAT'S THE AMERICA EDWARDS KNOWS AND LOVE.

EDWARDS UPDATES: WE BRING YOU THE UPDATES REALLY FAST.
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
5:09 pm
WHEN FAGGOTS ATTACK
THE ISSUE THAT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT TODAY IS ONE OF "GRAVE" IMPORTANCE. THIS JOKE IS A PLAY ON WORDS, BECAUSE JOHNATHON "THE IMPALER" SHARKEY (A.K.A. "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL JOHNATHAN" JOHNATHON "GOTH FAGGOT" SHARKEY) CLAIMS TO BE A VAMPIRE.

THIS MAN SLEEPS IN A COFFIN AT NIGHT. I DIDN'T FIGHT A SECRET WAR IN NICARAGUA TO HAVE SOME UNDEAD COMMUNIST WALK THESE STREETS OF FREEDOM BADMOUTHING LADY AMERICA. TO HIS CREDIT, JOHNATHON ISN'T ACTUALLY A VAMPIRE. NO, HE'S SOMETHING FAR WORSE, A VAMPYRE. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS PHONEY BALONEY, SECOND-HAND VAMPIRE KNOCK-OFF WAS KICKED OUT OF RUSSIA BY THE COMMUNISTS BECAUSE HE COULDN'T AFFORD THE "I", HE HAD TO BUY A "Y" AT K-MART INSTEAD. HE'S NOT EVEN A REAL VAMPIRE, HE'S A "VAMPYRE". YOU WOULDN'T WANT YOUR AMERICA TO BE HALF ASSED, WOULD YOU? ARE YOU GONNA LET SOME CHUMP FAILED COMMIE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS MAN RUN YOUR AMERICA? AMERICA AND EDWARDS DON'T THINK SO. ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS JOHNATHON? IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF JOHN EXPO WHERE YOU GO SUCK A BUNCH OF DICKS. "HEY, GANG, LET'S GO TO THE JOHN-A-THON." YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE NAMED AFTER A COCKFEST RUNNING YOUR COUNTRY.

MY OPPONENT SUPPOSEDLY STANDS UP FOR "THE RIGHT TO POLITICAL FREEDOM OF BELIEFS" AND "THE RIGHT TO FUCK A COW". IN ALL ACTUALITY ALL JOHN-A-THON STANDS UP FOR IS THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE IT IN THE ASS FROM SATAN'S SWOLLEN, DEMONIC COCK. WELL, LET'S NOT GO RUNNING OFF HERE HALF-COCKED, AMERICA. COME ON, EDWARDS FANS, WE KNOW WE CAN BEAT THAT GUY.

NOT THE FACE OF DEMOCRACY:




THE FACE OF DEMOCRACY:



WHAT KIND OF WHITE TRASH DOUCHEBAG POSES IN FRONT OF HIS GARAGE DOOR IN A BATHROBE HOLDING SWORDS, TRYING TO LOOK LIKE CONAN THE BARBARIAN? SOMEONE WHO'S OBVIOUSLY AN UNAMERICAN JOKE. EDWARDS WILL RUN A STAKE OF FACTS THROUGH THE HEART OF THIS LYING COMMIE FAGGOT "VAMPYRE". EDWARDS WILL PUNCH YOUR GRANDMA. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE FACTS, GET OUT. MOST PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED WHEN THEY HEAR THAT COMMUNISTS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY. THIS COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO EDWARDS, BECAUSE WHEN THE FACTS ARE ALL IN, THE CHIPS ARE DOWN. SO REMEMBER, VOTE EDWARDS, OR I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOU.
Friday, January 27th, 2006
9:24 am
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS
SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T READY FOR DEMOCRACY. EDWARDS KNOWS AND ACKNOWLEDGES THIS SAD FACT. HOWEVER, THIS CAN BE FIXED BY CRACKING PEOPLE'S SKULLS OPEN WITH THE CROWBAR OF REASON. SOMETIMES WHEN EDWARDS TRIES TO TELL PEOPLE THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS, THEY TRY TO FALL BACK ON THEIR COMMUNIST CENSORSHIP AND LIES TO CONCEAL THE TRUTH. EDWARDS IS NOT THREATED BY SMALLER PEOPLE (IN BOTH METAL CAPACITY AND PENIS SIZE, REMEMBER, IT WON'T FIT IN MY PANTS) IN THEIR FEEBLE ATTEMPTS AT COVERING UP THE TRUTH. ALTHOUGH YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE ABLE TO SILENCE THE VOICE OF REASON BY REMOVING MY POSTS FROM YOUR "INTER-CYBER", YOU FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THE FACT THAT THE OPINION OF THE PEOPLE WILL COME CRASHING DOWN ON YOUR HEAD BY DOING SO. EDWARDS WILL PERSONALLY STAND UP AND KARATE CHOP YOU IN THE GENITALS IF YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT LIBELOUS SLANDER. NOBODY CAN HIDE THE TRUTH FOR LONG, ESPECIALLY NOT ON THE MEDIA NET. THOUSANDS OF LOYAL EDWARDS FANS READ MY UPDATES DAILY, RELYING ON EDWARDS UPDATES AS THE SOLE SOURCE OF RELEVANT AND UP-TO-THE-MINUTE NEWS IN THEIR LIVES. EDWARDS IS GOING TO DO JUDO KARATE ON A TERRORIST LIAR COMMUNIST. EDWARDS WILL KICK HIS HEAD OFF THEN THROW HIS BODY OUT THE WINDOW. EDWARDS WILL USE "THE JUDO" (NOTE: NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH ORDINARY JUDO, "THE JUDO" IS A SPECIFIC TYPE OF JUDO THAT ONLY GRAND MASTERS TEACH) TO SPREAD TRUTH AND DEMOCRACY THROUGHOUT AMERICA.

THE ISSUE THAT REALLY NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED HERE IS THAT YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS. EDWARDS WILL BRING IT TO YOU NO MATTER WHAT. EDWARDS WILL RUN A TRAIN ON YOUR WIFE. EDWARDS WILL SATISFY YOUR WIFE IN WAYS YOU COULD ONLY DREAM OF DOING. EDWARDS "HOMEWRECKER" UPDATES WILL BE THE NEW NAME OF THIS MEDIA WEB PAGE AFTER I'M DONE WITH YOUR SWEET LADY. ALSO, SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WALK RIGHT, EVER AGAIN. SHE WILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR JUST FOR BASIC MOBILITY NEEDS. EDWARDS ISN'T ABOUT TO SAY THAT HE WOULD BLATANTLY RAPE YOUR WIFE, BUT WHAT EDWARDS DOES CAN BE TACITLY UNDERSTOOD AS SUCH, WITHOUT THE PESKY LEGAL CONSEQUENCES. IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY, BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY WANTED IT. I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE SO HARD SHE WILL EXPLODE. EDWARDS IS LIKE A DERAILED FREIGHT TRAIN THAT HAS GONE OFF THE TRACKS EVEN MORE THAN JUST THE WORD "DERAILED" IS UNDERSTOOD TO MEAN, RUNNING WILD THROUGH YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND SMASHING DOWN YOUR HOUSE WITH TRUTH AND JUSTICE. EDWARDS HAS SUCH POTENT WORDS, IT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED THAT COMMUNISTS AND LIBERALS ACTUALLY HAVE THE PHYSICAL SENSATION OF BEING PUNCHED IN THE FACE WITH EVERY WORD THEY READ FROM EDWARDS UPDATES.

SO DON'T FORGET, EDWARDS FANS, DRINK LOTS OF REFRESHING, ALL-AMERICAN PEPSI, EAT A LOT OF JUICY, GRILLED BURGERS AND STAY VIGILANT. THESE COMMUNIST LOWLIFES CAN STRIKE AT ANY TIME, THREATENING THE LIVES OF YOUR FAMILY, YOUR PETS AND EVEN YOUR LAWN. EDWARDS WON'T STAND FOR ANY OF THIS HANDS-IN-THE-POCKETS, SWAYING-YOUR-HIPS-BACK AND FORTH WHILE WHISTLING MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT.
2:40 am
WESLEY CLARK: PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, OR LYING COMMIE FAGGOT?
HELLO EVERYONE, I AM EDWARDS. I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT POLITICS AND BELIEFS. YOU KNOW, I STAND UP FOR POLITICS AND BELIEFS. MY COMPETITOR WESLEY CLARK DOESN'T STAND FOR EITHER OF THESE. WESLEY CLARK STANDS FOR THE FAKE FALLACIES ABOUT THE LIES, WHEREAS I STAND FOR THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS. IF YOU JUST READ MY JOURNAL YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT THE PROPER CHOICE FOR THE 2009 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CANDIDATE IS NOT WESLEY CLARK, BUT EDWARDS.

WHAT I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT IS WHERE YOUR VOTE SHOULD GO THIS COMING SPRING ELECTION. WHEN YOU "CAST" YOUR VOTE THIS YEAR, KEEP IN MIND THE COUNTLESS LIVES THAT WERE TRAGICALLY ENDED WHEN I WASN'T VOTED FOR LAST YEAR. ALL THOSE DEATHS AND MORE COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF AMERICA HAD REALIZED THAT EDWARDS KNEW THE WAY.



THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY LOVELY WIFE AND I, OR MAYBE MY DAUGHTER. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT RELEVANT. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT IT'S A PICTURE OF WHO CAN BRING YOU A BETTER AMERICA.


WHAT REALLY NEEDS TO BE SAID HERE IS THAT THE HARD-HITTING FACTS JUST AREN'T BEING ADDRESSED IN TODAY'S MASS MEDIA. EDWARDS IS GOING TO BLOW THE LID OFF THIS GARBAGE CAN OF LIES, BUT HE NEEDS THE HELP OF THE VOTING AMERICANS LIKE YOURSELVES. SO REMEMBER, NEXT TIME YOU GET TO VOTE, MAKE IT A VOTE FOR EDWARDS. ANYTHING ELSE COULD THREATEN THE LIVES OF YOUR FAMILY, YOUR PETS, OR EVEN YOUR LAWN!
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
5:49 am
PYRAMID SCHEME

AHHHH. THE FREEMASONS. ILLUMINATI. ALIENS. BUGS. PHONE TAPS. VHS TAPES. CIA SPIES. EDWARDS IS A SERIOUS MAN OF ACTION, NO PHONEY BOLOGNA HERE, BUT SOMETIMES THERE ARE CONSPIRACIES THAT THE LYING EYES OF COMMUNISM AND DICTATORS LIKE FIDEL CASTRO AND MIKHAIL GORBACHEV MANAGE TO "SLIP" RIGHT UNDER THE AMERICAN NOSE! WELL JUST THINK OF EDWARDS AS YOUR WATCH DOG, HE WILL SNIFF ANYTHING OUT AND FIND IT. AT EDWARDS UPDATES WE DISPLAY THE GRIT AND GRIME. THIS JUST IN: FREEMASONS HAVE BEEN REPORTED BY THE CIA TO BE RECRUITING VIA CYBERSPACE ON THIS SO CALLED " INTER - NET". FIRST YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF, EDWARDS WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS PHONEY MACARONI? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS BALONEY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HARD WORKING HONEST AMERICAN THAT BRINGS ME NEWS ON THE TOUGH ISSUES OF AMERICAN LIFE? I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T A CYBER SLEAZEBALL WITH UNAMERICAN STORIES? WELL, DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO EDWARDS. EDWARDS TELLS YOU THE TRUTH, THE RIGHTEOUS ELBOW DROP TO THE OVARIES TRUTH. EDWARDS KNOWS THAT HE'S GOTTA GIVE THE LADIES SOME ATTENTION TOO, THAT'S WHY IN THIS UPDATE HE'S GOING TO USE A MORE FEMALE-CENTRIC TERM FOR HARD-HITTING NEWS.



AN EXPLODING "SECRET SERVICE" TIME BOMB! ONE OF THESE COULD BE WAITING TO GO OFF INSIDE YOUR MAIL, YOUR CHILDREN, EVEN YOUR PETS OR LAWN.

THIS JUST IN! IT HAS COME TO EDWARDS' ATTENTION THAT AN INFORMANT WORKING INSIDE OF THE MASONIC CULTS OF NEW AMSTERDAM HAS BEEN PLOTTING TO BOMB THE UNITED STATES EMBASSY ON JANUARY 29TH OF 2006. DON'T BELIEVE ME? LOOK BACK TO JANUARY 24TH. WHAT TIE WAS THE PRESIDENT WEARING? I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT RELEVANT. ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHEN THAT BUILDING COMES DOWN YOU'LL KNOW WHERE YOU HEARD IT FIRST, THE REAL HONEST TRUTH, EDWARDS UPDATES.



THE PRESIDENT IS IN ON THE WHOLE SCANDAL. EDWARDS IS A LISENCED CRYPTOGRAPHER SO HE KNOWS HOW TO "READ BETWEEN THE LINES" ON THE TIE. EDWARDS IS HERE WITH A FLYING KICK TO THE FACE OF LIES. EDWARDS WILL BEAT THE LIES WITH A TIRE IRON. EDWARDS WILL DRAG THE LIES BEHIND HIS CAR, THEN BACK UP OVER THE LIES AFTERWARDS. EDWARDS WILL TAKE A MILE WHEN THE LIES GIVE AN INCH. EDWARDS IS SICK OF ALL THIS LYING, EDWARDS CAN TASTE THE BILE IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT. THERE WILL BE NO MORE SUBTERFUGE IN THE MEDIA. THE LIES CAN'T STAY HIDDEN BEHIND THE THIN VEIL OF MORE LIES FOR MUCH LONGER.

EDWARDS HAS "JUST ABOUT" HAD IT. I WANT THAT UNDERLINED, I WANT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO KNOW. EDWARDS IS PUSHING IT "WAY PAST" THE LIMIT THIS TIME.
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
4:16 am
EDWARDS UPDATES, THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE FACTS AND THE REAL NEWS YOU CAN USE
THIS IS EDWARDS UPDATES, A HARD-HITTING JOURNAL DEDICATED TO ONLY THE GRIT AND GRIME OF REAL AMERICAN LIFE TIMES WHEN YOU GOTTA KICK PEOPLE IN THE JAW AND EAT BURGERS. UPDATES TO KEEP YOU INFORMED ABOUT THE CHANGING WORLD OF TODAY. EDWARDS IS COMING AT YOU LIVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE TOUGH ISSUES THAT PLAGUE SOCIETY TODAY. THIS ISN'T YOUR COMMIE FAGGOT ON-LINE INTERACTIVE MEDIA CYBER WEB, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE MAN BEHIND THE MASK, I'M EDWARDS. I'M EDWARDS BEGINS.

EDWARDS PUSHES IT "PAST" THE LIMIT. PUT AN UNDERLINE ON THAT. I WANT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO KNOW.

AND NOW A BRIEF WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR.
TODAY'S EDWARDS UPDATE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPSI COLA SODA POP.

EDWARDS SUPPORTS PEPSI AS THE AMERICAN SODA OF AN AMERICAN DAY.
PATRIOTIC COLORS EMBLAZONED ON THEIR ALL-AMERICAN STEEL MILL ALUMINUM PRESSED INDUSTRIAL PITTSBURGH CAN, AND A KICK THAT'LL SHOW ANY NON BELIEVER WHAT REAL AMERICANS GOT INSIDE THEM. COKE IS A RED COMMIE DRINK. PEPSI WAS CONFOUNDED ON THE BELIEFS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

I AM EDWARDS. YOU WILL ALL PAY.



WHAT I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT TODAY IS A SERIOUS ISSUE. I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT SHIRTS, SHIRTS THAT AGGRANDIZE AND SHOWCASE THE INTERACTIVE MEDIA THAT IS KILLING SOCIETY AND SHOVELING THE GRIME RIGHT DOWN AMERICA'S THROAT:



THIS SO-CALLED "FUNNY JOKE SHIRT" THAT YOU CAN PURCHASE ON THE INTERACTIVE MEDIA NETWORK ("ON-LINE") IS THE DOWNFALL OF AMERICA IN SHIRT FORM. ANYONE SEEN WEARING A "FUNNY" SHIRT SUCH AS THIS ONE IS AN UNPATRIOTIC HOMOSEXUAL COMMUNIST.

I'M JUST GOING TO LET YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW, CREEPS, EDWARDS DOESN'T STOP FOR NOBODY. EDWARDS DROP KICKS YOU IN THE CHIN WITH BREAKING NEWS THAT'LL BREAK YOUR BALLS.



THIS JUST IN, FREEDOM FIGHTERS IN RAMADI ARE FIGHTING FOR THE AMERICAN WAY. GO USA!

YOU HEARD IT FIRST! EDWARDS IS THE MAN WITH THE PLAN, THE AMERICAN PLAN. HOWEVER, EDWARDS WAS NOT ABLE TO BE CONTACTED FOR THIS EVENT ON THE COUNT OF HIM ENJOYING A JUICY GRILLED BURGER WITH THE PRESIDENT.

ALSO, THIS NEWS JUST IN! TODAY IS EDWARDS' BIRTHDAY! SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A REAL EDWARDS BIRTHDAY BASH BLOWOUT CELEBRATION TODAY, USA STYLE!



THEY DID GET THE NAME AND AGE WRONG ON THE CAKE, BUT THAT'S OKAY! THIS IS A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION, EDWARDS STYLE! SO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND MAKE A WISH, EDWARDS! A WISH FOR A BETTER AMERICA. SEE, NORMALLY WISHES DON'T COME TRUE IF YOU SAY THEM OUT LOUD, BUT IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE EDWARDS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDWARDS!

EDWARDS HAS JUST PASSED OUT ON AN EDWARDS OVERDOSE OF BIRTHDAY CAKE, BURGERS AND PEPSI.

EDWARDS UPDATES: WE BRING YOU THE UPDATES SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
Friday, September 16th, 2005
5:24 pm
AMERICAN JUSTICE WITH A SIDE OF FRIES
BRUTE FORCE IS A GAME ABOUT DEMONSTRATING TO THE AMERICAN SOCIETY TODAY AND HOW YOU SHOULD IMPROVE IT. IT FEATURES A REAL AMERICAN HERO, THE FAMED SNAKE. THE ALL-AMERICAN FIST PUNCHING DROP KICKING COMBAT GUN FLAG WAVING TRUE AMERICAN FIGHTER. YOU CLEAN UP THE WORLD FOR THE AMERICA. YOUR CHILDREN SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FACE THESE HARD HITTING TIMES.

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YOUR MISSION: SEND THE MEXICANS BACK OVER THE BORDER AND THROW THEM THROUGH GLASS WINDOWS. THEY DON'T CALL THEM ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FOR NOTHING. BUT WE DON'T STOP THERE! THE PAIN TRAIN DOESN'T STOP THERE! YOU MUST ALSO FIGHT THE TERRORISTS THAT PLAGUE ROOFTOPS OF AMERICA. TODAY. THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY! EDWARDS BRINGS IT TO YOU FIRST. EDWARDS TELLS IT LIKE IT IS. EDWARDS WILL EAT FOOD HE FINDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. EVEN IF HE HAS TO CLIMB A ROOF AND FIGHT OFF UN-AMERICAN TERRORIST SCUMBAGS AND THROW THEM OFF OF BUILDINGS FACE FIRST INTO THE SOCIETY THEY RUINED, EDWARDS WON'T STOP. HE'LL THROW FASCIST SKINHEAD PUNKS THROUGH PLATE GLASS WINDOWS INTO ADULT ENTERTAINMENT SHOPS. EDWARDS DOESN'T HOLD BACK AND WAIT IT OUT IN THE SIDELINES LIKE SOME LIBERAL FAGGOT. EDWARDS FACES THE GRIME AND GRIT OF AMERICA FACE FIRST. NO, MAKE THAT FIST FIRST.
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
2:51 pm
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
3:06 pm
4 RESIDENT EVIL
IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED 4 RESIDENT EVIL YET, YOU ARE NOT A REAL AMERICAN. FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT "IN THE KNOW", HERE'S A SCREENSHOT:

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ENJOY, FAGS.

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
9:50 pm
HEY LOOK EDWARDS SOME SLEAZEBALL IS SLEAZING YOUR SLEAZE

Current Mood: farts
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